Please Respond!

I hate waiting for a response to an email or a text I have sent. I am not a very patient person when it comes to things like that. With kids, I can be as patient as the day is long. Waiting for a response to an email or a text, not so much.
So please do me a huge favor. If I email or text you for any reason, please, PLEASE respond in a timely manner. Even if the response is "thanks, but can't, busy" or "busy today, but we will talk more later". Just don't leave me hanging!

In other news, getting ready for the new year. More on that to come tomorrow!

Christmas pictures

Christmas pictures are up! Check them out at
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=79874&l=fb057&id=557840607

Snow, Ice and All Things Nice

This time of year is the worst. The last two weekends, there have been an extreme amount of ice and snow. Saturday, when I was getting ready to leave BRU, I discovered that my car battery was dead. Sunday morning, I got a new car battery installed thanks to the auto skills of Mr. Robert Reynolds (Bob, you are my hero!).

Last week, after the ice storm, I stood in a friend’s front yard and we played in the ice. It had completely frozen the grass and made a most satisfying crunchy/cracking sound when jumping on it. The ice that was frozen on the trees was quite breathtaking as it glistened in the moonlight. It was a great night.

But, the beauty of the ice is now melted away. Much like everything else in life, it doesn’t last.

There is so much drama going on in life right now. Drama with friends, drama with co-workers, drama with health issues, drama, drama, DRAMA!!! How can you tell a friend that he’s being a stupid idiot? Or tell a friend that you agree with someone else’s assessment of a situation? How do you tell someone what you really think of them?

Christmas is next week. I can’t even get excited about it this year. I’ve been working non-stop, it seems, and the craziness of shopping and trying to get things done is sort of sapping the excitement out of it for me this year. I am excited to see the kids’ reactions to the gifts that I’ve picked out for them. Other than that, it seems to be more about tasks and doing, rather than enjoying the season and having fun.

Sometimes, in days like this, I feel like I am drowning, and just waiting for someone to reach out a hand to save me.

A song that sums things up:

I'm standing on a bridge
I'm waiting in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
There's nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but there's no sound

Isn't anyone tryin to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

I'm looking for a place
I'm searching for a face
Is anybody here I know
'Cause nothing's going right
And everything's a mess
And no one likes to be alone

Isn't anyone trying to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

Oh why is everything so confusing
Maybe I'm just out of my mind
Yea yea yea

It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

Things You May Not Know About Me

Ten Things You Want To Say To Ten People:
1. I know this has been an extremely difficult time for you. I love you and will always be here for you.
2. I hate you for what you’ve done to me emotionally, but I still like you enough to want to be with you. And I hate myself for still liking you.
3. I miss you terribly, and wish you’d come home soon.
4. I don’t understand why you could just drop me from your life like that. It still hurts.
5. I am so glad that you are in my life once again. My heart has had a gaping hole in it since you left.
6. A thousand words are nice, but actions are nicer. Please stop talking and start doing.
7. Thank you for your unconditional love and support. You will never know how much that means to me.
8. I may be blonde and have a large chest, but I am not a stupid bimbo. I am quite intelligent. Please treat me as such.
9. Get over yourself. You aren’t that special.
10. What you did to me has scarred me for life. I doubt I will ever be able to forgive you. If I never see you again, I would be ok with that.


Nine Things About Yourself:
1. The only reason I clean my house is I fear what Grissom and Willows would think if I was murdered and they came to investigate the crime scene.
2. I’m scared to death of roller coasters, heights, spiders and mice.
3. I don’t know how to swim. I flunked swim class when I was 8.
4. I don’t remember much of my childhood before age 11.
5. I really wish I could be courted in the old-fashioned sense of the word.
6. I feel like a bad-ass chick when I’m in my cowgirl gear (Wranglers, boots, etc.)
7. I love designer labels, and would rather have one really good designer piece than a closet full of knock-offs.
8. I would take a bullet for my kids.
9. I want to take ballroom dance lessons so I can dance like on Dancing with the Stars.

Eight Ways To Win My Heart:
1. Write me letters, like they did in the old days
2. Talk to me/Be honest with me
3. Make me feel safe enough to cry in front of you, and hold me when I do
4. Don’t lead me on or jerk my chain
5. Be man enough to date only me (and call it a date)
6. Leave me notes, a flower, or text me during the day to let me know you are thinking of me.
7. Surprise me. Leave me a flower/note taped to my front door so I get it when I get home from a long day at work.
8. Hold my hand


Seven Things That Cross Your Mind a Lot:
1. The kids
2. Stupid boys
3. Ireland
4. Friends
5. Love
6. Music lyrics that are stuck in my head
7. God

Six Things You Wish You Never Did:
1. I don’t know if I really have any major regrets. Everything that I’ve done, good or bad, has shaped me into the person I am today.


Five Turn Offs:
1. Smoking
2. Indecisiveness
3. Being too judgmental
4. Physical weakness (I need to feel safe and secure)
5. Being too focused on physical aspects of a relationship

Four Turn Ons:
1. Patience/Understanding
2. Expressive eyes/Knowing smile
3. Guys that wear sweaters over button down shirts and jeans (I like preppy dressers if they aren’t cowboys)
4. Cowboys

Three Smiley's That Describe Your Life:
1. :(
2. :)
3. ;)


Two Things You Want To Do Before You Die:
1. Fall in Love
2. Live in Ireland (for longer than a week)

One Confession:
1. I desperately want to love and be loved, but am paralyzed by fear of rejection, hurt and loss.

The Emotional Question

I am not an emotional girl. I never have been, as long as I can remember. I have feelings and emotions, just like everyone else. But I’ve learned over the years that it is useless to show them. Every time I have ever shown any emotion for anything, it turns out bad. Either I get made fun of, they just get dismissed because no one cares about them, or what usually happens, I get hurt.

When I was in school, I let a boy know once that I like him. I found out later that he had only asked me out as a joke. The last guy I let my guard down with and went out on a date with, he didn’t get the message that the double date (we were set up by friends of ours) that we were on with above mentioned friends with was an actual date, and brought another girl with us, a girl that he was interested in dating. So, forgive me if it’s hard for me to show a guy that I have feelings for him.

I’m not one to get all gushy over “girly-type” things. I don’t scrapbook, I don’t do candles, I don’t get all weepy over movies on Lifetime Channel. They could cancel the whole damn network and I wouldn’t care. I’d rather watch the Cowboys play football, or real cowboys rodeo than watch some sappy “heart-wrenching” drama about some woman dying and finding love for those few short months, starring Tori Spelling or Nancy McKeon. I would rather scoop out my own eyeballs with a spoon than read crap like Chicken Soup for the Soul. I would slit my own wrists before I went to an event such as the Women of Faith conference or a “Ladies Retreat”.

I’m also not a crier. I just don’t like to cry, especially in front of people. That’s always been something that has driven my sister, in particular, a little crazy. I don’t even cry at funerals.

And, according to my results of my spiritual gifts survey during my Network class at church a few years ago…I scored a zero on mercy and compassion. Go figure. (My spiritual gifts are administration, creative communications and teaching, by the way. That’s why I rock at running camp!)

Does this make me less of a girl? I don’t know. I still do some girly things. I read Cosmo (British and American versions). I’m completely into fashion, designer labels, and shopping. (My latest fashion craze that I’m trying out is the preppy London look….I loved what I saw when I was in London, so I’m trying to copy it here. It’s a bit hard, but I’m trying.) I like to dress up and do my hair and makeup and look nice. I like it when boys open doors for me, and act all gentlemanly. I love a good girly romance novel. (not trashy romance novels, but real romance novels, like Jane Austen’s stuff).

But, there are things that I like that are traditionally non-girly as well. I have a degree in Agricultural Communications. There were many times in college when I was the only girl in my Ag classes, and was completely comfortable hanging out with the farm boys. I can rope calves. I hung out at the rodeo in college. I worked as a sports reporter for several years, in an all-male sports department. I’ve heard all the dirty jokes. Lovelines with Dr. Drew and Adam Carrola was always on the television in the sports department (there are some messed up people out there!). I have hung out in locker rooms, football fields, hockey arenas, the pit area at the racetrack, and just about anywhere else you can think of. Does that make me less of a girl? I don’t know.

So…what’s the point to all of this? I don’t know. Am I messed up because I’m not emotional? Or girly? Should I start showing more emotions and letting people in on my feelings? I don’t know. I have yet to have a good outcome from showing emotion and feelings.

Henry the VII once said, “As a king, is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” I have a similar question. Is it better to be emotional and risk getting hurt, or not be emotional at all and never get hurt again?

If anyone has any thoughts on this, it would be greatly appreciated!!

My Playlist

My current musical playlist. Go check these songs out…..read the lyrics at www.cowboylyrics.com (unless otherwise noted). These songs are resonating with me for various reasons. Either the lyrics are reflecting different events in my life or the songs are just so amazing, musically and lyrically, that I can’t stop listening to them.

1. Stay – Sugarland (It’s just vocals and a guitar. It will blow you away.)
2. You Shouldn’t Kiss Me Like This – Toby Keith
3. Winner at a Losing Game – Rascal Flatts
4. Take Me There – Rascal Flatts
5. All I Want for Christmas – Love Actually Soundtrack (this won’t be on cowboylyrics.com)
6. Kerosene – Miranda Lambert
7. Lost In This Moment – Big and Rich
8. A Long Trip Alone – Dierks Bentley
9. Nothin’ Better to Do – LeAnn Rimes
10. Our Song – Taylor Swift
11. Teardrops on My Guitar – Taylor Swift
12. Everybody – Keith Urban
13. Ready, Set, Don’t Go – Billy Ray Cyrus, feat. Miley Cyrus (this is a beautiful father/daughter song!)
14. International Harvester – Craig Morgan (this is just a fun, good ole’ boy song)
15. Easy to Ignore – Sixpence None the Richer (this isn’t on cowboylyrics.com, either)

Thanksgiving Weekend

Thanksgiving weekend is now come and gone. Dinner was ok. I cooked for the family again this year. Time spent with my family is always stressful for me. But, I somehow survived yet another family outing. How, I don't know, but I did.

After dinner was the annual movie outing. My sister and I decided to go see August Rush. Can I just say, for the official record, how much I love Jonathan Rhys Meyers?? He's definately on my freebie list.

He's so pretty. Plus, he did all of his own singing in the movie. Which was amazing. He also plays Henry VIII in the Showtime series "The Tudors". And, he's also an Irish boy. Really, I haven't found much at all that I can put in the negative column.

After the movie, I headed out to Living Faith in Sherman, for what turned into be the great Under Grace/You Tube Thanksgiving Extravaganza 2007. It was quite the event. A little awkward, as Skoog and I were the only ones not part of a touchy-feely couple. But it was a good night. Watched an ridiculous amount of You Tube videos, including two on some Russian singer that was horrifying, yet, I couldn't not watch.

Friday and Sunday was spent working at home. I finally got the living room painting finished, outside of the trim along the top that I am not tall enough to reach. That will have to wait for me to either get a stepladder, or a really tall helper.

Saturday, Ella Marie was a "court child" at the 2007 Beaux Arts Ball. She looked beautiful!!! She really was the princess of the night. I'm so proud of my baby girl!!!

Well, life now gets to speed up exponentially for the next few weeks. It will be interesting to work for a church during the Christmas season!

The Rhythm of Life

One of the seminars I attended while at the National Youth Worker’s Convention earlier this month was entitled “The Rhythm of Life”. The speaker, Mike King of Youth Front, brought forth a rather radical thought for most Christians: the idea of enjoying life and being human.

Most Christians today prescribe to the philosophy that they must strive to be more like Christ: divine, holy, pure, etc., etc. The hardest thing with this, however, is that most, if not all, will fall short of this goal because it is impossible to attain.

People are also suffering burn out from too much “bad stress”, he said: unreasonable job descriptions, lack of boundaries, unrealistic measurements of success, idealism, lack of support structures, identity confusion, conflicts, lack of friends, busyness, and neglect of the soul.

This isn’t what God wanted for us, according to Mike. He proposed an idea that some traditional Christians would consider a bit unorthodox and radical: that while Jesus came to show us how to be holy, Jesus was also fully human and showed us how to be fully human as well.

It is great to be holy and living for Christ. But, God created this earth for us to enjoy our life on it as well. He asked us the question: What makes you fully alive??

Before we answered this question, he gave us a few suggestions on how to be fully human, following the examples that Jesus set for us. The one that hit home for me is this: To be fully human, we must be rich in experiences of encounters with God and others. This is one that I see a lot of Christians failing in. While it is great to surround yourself with Christian friends, it is the experiences with those outside of your comfort zone that really enrich your life. I have seen this in my own life lately. While my church friends are great, I have richer, greater, and in some cases, more “Christian” experiences with my non-church friends. I often see Christians that are sheltered and have very few experiences outside of the church, and I marvel at the experiences and people that they are missing out on. I know several people that are like this. They are so wrapped up in the church and church activities that I often wonder about how full their life really is. Don’t misread what I am saying here at all. I think it is great to be active in church activities. I am very active in church activities myself. I direct camps, serve on the Regional Youth Committee, and many other activities which I love and am very passionate doing. However, I also have many other non-church activities that I am involved in as well. I think “having a life outside of church” is what makes me even better in my church activities. Spending time watching tv, listening to secular music, going to movies, hanging out at various places, etc., etc., these are all things that then spill over into my Christian life on a regular basis. One concrete example of this is how I used my love for Superman to create my camp theme for this past summer, The Gospel According to Superman. From the feedback I have received about my camp theme, it has affected many, campers and staff alike.

The seminar speaker then revisited the question: What makes you fully alive? If I had to answer that question today, it would be several things:
1. The kids. The kids are a huge part of my life. I love every minute with them. I can’t even imagine my life now without them. It’s great to have that unconditional love that they give. Last night was a great example of this. When I got to the Kurmann household, Clayton, my 3-year-old, had fallen asleep on the couch. When he woke up, his parents had both left for the evening. He was a little upset at first, because Mommy wasn’t there, but when he realized that his Randa was there, he curled up on my lap, laid his head on my chest and ended up falling back asleep on me. The love and trust there is incredible to me.
2. Camp. Yes, it’s a church activity. I have always loved camp at LSBC. My friends on the Regional Youth Committee always tease me about how even now, in November, I already have a camp theme picked out for next summer. In addition to my one week of jr. high camp, I am now co-directing a worship camp with Mr. Robert Reynolds, leading a jr. high weekend camp in September and a college-age camp in May. Camp is one of my greatest passions in life.
3. Movies and television. Yes, there are a lot of people out there that are “above” watching tv. They are too busy, or “have better things to do than watch some mindless television show”. For me, however, it’s a way to unwind at the end of the day, a way to escape the issues and problems that I struggle with on a daily basis. There’s nothing that I like better on a lazy afternoon than popping in a tv series on dvd and just getting away from the world for a while. If that makes me a bad person because I like losing myself in a good movie, then so be it.
4. Writing. I love to write. I don’t do much creative writing anymore it seems, but I love when I can. I love journalistic writing as well, sometimes even more so than creative writing.


What makes you fully human? What is your Rhythm of Life?

The Bachelor

Monday night was the finale of the Bachelor. In a shocking twist, he sent both girls home. No one got the final rose, no one got a diamond engagement ring.


I'm still in complete shock over it. Never in the history of the show has the Bachelor rejected both women. There have been times when he hasn't proposed, but to reject all the women outright is definately a new twist. Last night, the two finalists, Deanna and Jenni, got to confront Brad and ask the questions that we all wanted to know the answers to. And boy, did they grill him! At one point, I almost felt bad for him, but he kind of deserved it for leading them on the way he did. I was totally behind Deanna the whole time she was talking to him....and I agree with her, it's so confusing to tell a girl that "she's perfect and that he could see himself spending the rest of his life with her...but I have to tell you goodbye". What a wanker.

I loved Jenni and Deanna's comments at the end.....Jenni really nailed it on the head. "This is why I don't wear my heart on my sleeve or put myself out there, because I just get crushed in the end." AMEN SISTER!

Sense and Sensibility

Two posts in one day. I have been doing laundry all day at my sister’s house, and don’t have much else to do here but watch movies, write blog posts, ponder life and wait for laundry to wash and dry.

I am currently watching Sense and Sensibility, starring Hugh Grant, Emma Thompson, Kate Winslet, Greg Wise and Alan Rickman (and a young, unknown named Hugh Laurie). It is one of my favorite Jane Austen novels, second only to Pride and Prejudice. The movie won a Golden Globe, and does an excellent job of remaining quite faithful to the book, thanks to Emma Thompson rewriting the screenplay herself.

There are several themes in this novel (and movie) that stand out to me, and each time I watch the movie or read the novel, I always get something different from it. This time around, there are several themes/questions that I am pondering as of late:

1. Is it better to be reserved with emotions, like Elinor, or be blatantly obvious with them, like Marianne, in regards to feelings toward the opposite sex? This theme also came up briefly in Pride and Prejudice, when Charlotte Lucas told Elizabeth Bennett that it is better to show more affection than you feel to secure the man in question as quickly as possible before he is lost to someone else. Elizabeth Bennett disagreed with this theory. I believe in the past, I would say I have been more like Elinor, very reserved with my feelings and emotions. And I wonder if that hasn’t been part of my problems with guys in the past, that I have been too reserved. For me, it’s been a defense mechanism. But I also wonder if it’s not what is preventing me from really having the relationship I long to have.

2. Marianne meets and instantly falls in love with John Willoughby. He courts her for several months, and then without any notice, leaves and goes to London. When she goes to London with Mrs. Jennings and the rest of the party later, and runs into him at a party, he acts very indifferent toward her. She writes to him to ask what is going on, and his cold response tells her that he wishes to apologize if he was too free with his emotions and conveyed sentiments that he did not intent to convey; in other words, he’s sorry if he led her on, but he never meant to make her think that he liked her as anything other than a friend. She is heartbroken, and ends up going for a walk in the rain, catching an unnamed illness and almost dying because of it. My sister and I now use the phrase “I’ve been Willoughby-ed” in reference to guys that lead someone on and then decide that “you are just friends” or “you are reading too much into it” or do anything Willoughby-esque. I am tired of being Willoughby-ed. I am tired of guys that make you think one thing, just to find out later you were wrong. In Willoughby’s case in the novel, however, he really did love Marianne, but due to circumstances, some of his own doing and some beyond his control, he cannot marry her, and instead marries for money. She can at least take solace in the idea that it’s not because she’s not good enough. That is something that I am also tired of. I’m tired of not being (fill in the blank)-enough. Tall enough, smart enough, pretty enough, funny enough, etc. etc.

3. The end of the movie does give one hope, however. Elinor has fallen in love with Edward Ferrars, and finds out from her friend Lucy Steele that Edward and Lucy have been secretly engaged for the last five years. She thinks that it is over forever, especially when she hears that “Miss Steele and Mr. Ferrars were married over the weekend.” Turns out, Lucy runs away with Edward’s brother, Robert, which frees Edward up to ask Elinor to marry him. Edward had been in love with Elinor since he met her, but refused to act on it due to his honor and duty to his previous engagement. So, even though her heart had been broken, she finds out that he loved her all this time and she gets her happy ever after ending. It gives me hope that even though I think that men are wankers now, that one day I may get my happy ever after ending as well. Jane Austen wrote fiction, yes, but not fairy tales. The endings were actually endings that could happen in “real life”.

So…what do I take from this? Many things. But also many more questions have been prompted. Thanks, Jane.

Observations from BRU

As many of you may know, I work a few hours a week at Babies R Us for extra cash. Ireland was expensive, and I am still trying to pay for it. It’s whittling down slowly, but until I make more of a dent in it, I am slaving away in a crap job for crap pay.

Working there, however, I have learned a few things. People can be really stupid sometimes. Like this whole Bumbo recall. Bumbo had to recall their infant seats because stupid parents were leaving their kids unattended and sitting on kitchen counters or tables and the infants were wiggling out of them (they do not have a safety restraint system) and falling off the counter or table or whatnot. One child had actually fractured his skull in the fall. I really don’t see how it is Bumbo’s fault. We had one at the daycare, and I would have never left a child in that seat unattended. It’s not that the seat was faulty; it’s stupid parents not paying attention to their kids!

One of the greatest challenges in working there, however, is watching all of the happy married (and usually now pregnant) couples coming in. Not gonna lie, as I get older, it is getting to be one of the hardest things about the job. When I moved into my apartment in the park, that became one of the very few things I don’t like about living in the area. When I’m feeling down or depressed, watching the happy little couples strolling through the park, holding hand, pushing baby prams, having picnics, etc., just makes me want to sit on my front porch with a BB gun and shoot at them whenever they come near enough.

At the store, it’s even worse. Everyone is so freaking happy and glowing and crap that it makes me want to vomit. But what is the worst is some of the couples that do come in. There are these ladies that are so scary looking that they didn’t just get smacked by the ugly stick, they fell out of the tree and hit every branch on the way down. For example, this one person that came in the other day. From the neck up, this person resembled the late great Rich Mullins, only about 200 pounds heavier and with thinning hair in the front and in the back. From the neck down, this person was several pounds overweight, obese even. My coworker Katie and I had trouble even figuring out whether or not this person was a man or a woman. However, to my shock and dismay, this person was wearing a wedding ring set and carrying a purse (so we decided on female). But the depressing part of this was the realization that not only was she married, but someone had slept with her in order to produce a child.

And yet, I am still single and alone.

Today at church, Pastor Jeff talked about the parable of the vineyard workers (Matthew 20) and how envy can destroy your heart and cause lots of problems in your life. As I was thinking about that today, I can see how envy can be part of my problem. I want that happy life. I want to get married, have children and grow old with someone. How can I not but be envious when I see someone else living the life I so desperately want? I see people dating, getting married and starting families everywhere I go, and they make it seem so easy. It’s hard, especially for someone like me, not to be envious of something like that.

However, although I can admit to the envy part, I wonder if there isn’t something more behind it. I don’t think it’s all just envy. However, I don’t know what the other part of it is. If anyone has any insight into what it might be, let me know, so I can destroy it and move on with my life already!

I have a busy week ahead. Only a three day work week, which is good, yet bad in the sense that I have to get a week’s work done in just three days. I actually went in to work for a couple of hours this morning before hitting the 10:45 service at CHBC.

New Baby

Welcome to the world Conner David!!!!!

Conner was born Wednesday, Nov. 14, at 10 a.m. He weighed 7 pounds, 15 ounces, and was 20 inches long. Baby, Mom and the rest of the family are doing fantastic!

I headed up to the hospital to visit and bring presents. Nathan and Scott were, of course, running around like the village idiots. In between runnings, however, Nathan kept demanding to hold the baby. He did a pretty good job....unfortunately, he doesn't always understand that when he done holding the baby, he needs to let someone know, rather than just letting go. This is why someone sits with him while he holds the baby. It's a learning curve for him, I'm sure. The last time he was around a baby was when Scott was born, and he was just 2 at the time.

Julie is looking great (if you are reading this: yes you are...don't argue!), if a bit tired. But then again, I hear labor does that to you. Not that I'd know from experience or anything, but that's the word on the street. And of course, when I mean streets, I mean those little fake streets they have there at the zoo. (10 bucks if you can name the quote).

For baby gifts, I decided on a new, bigger and more stylish diaper bag than the one she had for Scott, a couple of panda bear binkys (of course) and John Deere baby toys (another given). I think Scott will be playing with the tractor keys more than anyone...he was very excited about them.

I told Julie that I think I like having kids this way. Someone else does all the work, and I just get the good stuff, like playing and cuddling and all that jazz.

And, speaking of babies...........congratulations to Amanda and Toby!!!!!!! Lucas will be a big brother in July!!! It's all very exciting! Hopefully, Lucas will have updated his blog by then.....

Other than that, just trying to get ready for Thanksgiving!! So much to do, so little time to do it. Dierks Bentley and Jack Ingram are in town tonight. I may try to head over there if I can find someone to go with me....it sucks when most of your friends are married with kids, or just don't like country enough to go to a concert with you.

Returning to Blogging

Wow, according to my sign-in page, my last post was July 8. Several months have past, and it's been an interesting/crazy few months at that.


Highlights:


* Went to Ireland, Scotland and England for two weeks. Unbelievable trip. Trip highlights to come in future post, for sure. Until then..Ireland was amazing. Words cannot express how much I loved Ireland. The food was unbelievable. I am now ordering it online and having it shipped to my house, that's how much I loved it! England was also amazing. I think I was born in the wrong country.


* Got a new job! Yay for me! I am now the Director of Communications at St. John's Lutheran Church. Yeah, I know...Lutherans. It sure is different than being in a Baptist Church. But, so far, it's been good. More to come on that as well, I'm sure.


* Love life is all screwed up now. Men are selfish, stupid wankers that should burn in the deepest depths of hell. I have learned two very important things these last few months.

1 - There is a reason I don't date much. You only get screwed over in the end. It's not worth it anymore. I'm tired of the games and the crap. I'm tired of them being spineless and not talking about anything. I'm tired of being led on and then told that what you were thinking and feeling was all wrong. I'm just tired of it all. I am really wondering why I ever even tried in the first place.

2 - I am destined to die alone, only to be found three weeks later, half-eaten by wild dogs.



* Getting ready for a busy holiday season. Ella Marie is going to be in the Beaux Arts Ball on the 24th, and sometime between now and Thanksgiving, another Goebel baby will have been born. Plus, in addition to all the normal holiday craziness, I am making Thanksgiving dinner again this year, which will be fun, and I'm working at a church, so this will be our "super bowl".



* The kids are cracking me up more than anything lately. Ella Marie is starting to think boys are cute. She told me the other day how much she likes the Jonas Brothers (a singing group on the Disney Channel), and apparently she likes a little boy on Barrett's soccer team. She is growing up so fast!! Barrett and Clayton are being goofy as usual. Barrett is now hit the tech age and is emailing all the time now. His emails crack me up! Nathan and Scott are getting excited for the new baby. Scott believes that they will name him "Dan Zanes", which is his favorite children's singer. I told him I don't see that happening, but he insists. Scott also told me that he'd marry me. Nathan then informed me that I am supposed to marry the person I live with, like his mommy is married to his daddy. I informed him that I didn't live with anyone, and his response is, "well, then you just have to go outside and find someone to marry and tell them that you are getting married and then you get married." FINALLY!! Now I know what I've been doing wrong all these years!!!



* Last weekend, I went to the National Youth Workers Convention in St. Louis. It was such a great weekend, for several reasons. I learned a lot, as always, and had a great time, as always. But, it was also nice to hang out with Bob for the weekend. I stayed at his place because it turns out that his new apartment is right across the street from the Edward Jones Dome, where the convention was held. On the downside, I twisted my ankle, and I think I did some damage to my foot as well, because it's not getting much better.



* I had sort of a life-changing epiphany that weekend as well. At the convention, I made an appointment with one of the convention pastors, Dr. Gerali. I've known Dr. Gerali for a while now, as he used to be a professor at Judson College and we have a mutual friend. Anyway, Dr. Gerali is usually at the conventions, so each year, I always try to schedule in a Dr. Gerali mental health check appointment. This year was very crucial for that appointment, as my life has been a virtual roller-coaster for the last few months: lost a job, got a new job, went to the UK, met a boy, learned that men are wankers, and then my friend Bob's dad passed away. It was very sudden and unexpected. So, in a sense, I was dealing with all of my own crap, and trying to be strong and be a friend for Bob. Dr. Gerali made me see a few things:
1 - I can't always handle everything myself. It's ok to ask for help. That's something I have a really hard time doing.
2 - I have a right to my feelings and emotions, and I shouldn't be afraid to express them. That's something else I have a really hard time doing. I'm not one to "talk things out" and let people know what's going on in my head. So, I guess I need to start doing that more.
3 - I don't get enough rest. Not in the physical sense (although I don't get enough there, either), but in the emotional and spiritual sense. I am always so concerned about other's feelings, that I don't have time to deal with my own. My assignment from him was to go to the prayer chapel, turn off the cell phone, close my eyes, and just rest, and allow myself to cry if I need to. And I'm supposed to do that often. Which is really hard for me, because if you know me at all, you know I don't cry much. And when I'm pulled in so many directions, it's easy to then "lose it" if I don't take enough time for myself.

Well, that's the last few months in a nutshell. Christmas is coming up, then New Years and Singles Awareness Day. It's going to be a busy few months!

The Search for Hope

I leave for Ireland in 7 days!

My birthday is in 6 days!



Other than that, really can't find much exciting about life. For those that don't know, I was diagnosed with depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder a few years back. So, I have good days and some days that are not so good. It's a never ending cycle that I am constantly fighting to break out of, but yet I never seem to get out of the cycle completely. I am also learning that while I can be feeling good one moment, the slightest thing can trigger a downward cycle. It can be little things, such as a friend not calling me back, someone treating me in a way that they wouldn't anyone else, or even just a long night alone when it seems like no one cares. Some of it is my own issues, such as allowing someone to talk to me in a way I don't like, but not having the confidence to call them out on it.

I look at people that have such hope in the future, and wonder how they get that hope. At times I wonder if I am just one of those people who are destined to be melancholy and alone all of my life. Some people are just born that way; usually they are great artists or musicians or something. I, on the other hand, am rapidly becoming a George Constanza...at least I'm not living with my parents right now.

How does one get hope? And is that what makes people happy? Is that why I can't get truly happy, because I have no hope? I don't want to rely on prescription drugs the rest of my life to feel happy...or whatever semblance of happy that it creates.

I need someone to tell me that it's all going to be OK.

wow, it's been almost a month since my last post. Here are a few updates of what's been going on since then.



* I don't have mono! Yay! This theory was tested on Friday night the week I was sick. Clayton decided to bodyslam me. If I did have mono, then I am currently working without a spleen, as I believe it would have ruptured.



* Camp was June 23-30. It went really well. Jr. highers will suck your soul right out, I am convinced. Many stories will come from camp, I'm sure, but the highlights are: had to call DCFS; sent one girl home after she tried to kill herself; sent two kids to the hospital, one with a gash on his head that required stitches and the other with a broken leg (turned out to be just a chip out of the shin bone); got yelled at by a parent for trying to make her son understand why you can't destroy other people's property and why he has to pay to replace said destroyed items; spent many hours convincing Craig that I did not intentionally give him all of the hoodlums in one cabin, that it just worked out that way; did a Christian Passover Seder; taught the kids about Jesus and how Superman is a modern day parable of the Gospel story; and made fun of Patrick Embley any chance I got. Camp is always a good week, even with all the crap that went on. MY COUNSELORS ROCKED IT OUT!!! They are awesome! Except for Sarah Liz, who is just a mean counselor, of course.



The small groups at camp this year were really deep, especially for jr. highers. My counselors were telling me about times when the kids were just crying after talking about things, such as who they are, why they are here, jesus loves them, what their true identity is, etc. Hopefully lives were changed.



* I LEAVE FOR IRELAND IN NINE DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's so insane to think that it's this close already. Before you ask, yes, I am aware of the bombings in London, and yes, I still plan on going. I'm flying into and out of Ireland, and really, no one is mad at the Irish, they just bomb each other. We went ahead and registered our trip with the Embassy, just in case something else happens. Today I went and got my Travel Visa card. It's so much easier than traveler's checks, and if it gets stolen, it's covered by Visa, which is good.

* I still have no job. Been sending out lots of resumes, but nothing back yet. Thankfully, I haven't had any rejections yet either, so I am taking it as a good sign.

Other than that, not much else to report on. My birthday is in 8 days! Yay for birthdays!

so, now not only do I have no job, I also have strep throat and possibly mono. So, I really haven't done anything all week. I have enjoyed a four day long Gilmore Girls marathon though.

so. I resigned from the daycare on Wednesday. It's a long, complicated story. I didn't want to leave, but I had no choice.

Now, I am sinking. I am falling rapidly into a deep, deep pit of darkness. I can feel it all around me. I don't want to do anything. It took everything I could muster just to get out of bed this morning. I didn't do that on Thursday until close to the end of the day. Not until it was time to go to St. Louis. Went to my friend Bob's house for the night, and hung out with him, my sister and his roommate Ryan. Unfortunately, it didn't help much to bring up out of this darkness and despair that I am falling deeper into.

Please tell me it's all going to be ok. Because I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel right now.

Exciting Stuff

* MY PASSPORT IS FINALLY HERE!!! YAY!!! I can now travel internationally....now I just need to wait until we leave on July 15....how crazy am I going??

* Apollo Anton Ohno won Dancing with the Stars last night. He was my pick, along with Billy Ray of course, from the beginning. I may have a bit of a crush on him now.

* I must write a very strongly worded letter to Fox Soccer Channel. They showed the big Chelsea-Man. Utd. game last night, which I DVR'd, as I was at work, and they cut it off just as they were going into overtime. It wasn't a live game, for pete's sake. They should have allotted adequate time for it!!!!

*But...Chelsea won 1-0 in double OT!! YAY BLUE!!!! They are now the FA Cup Champions!!!

* Tomorrow is the opening night of Pirates 3. I am going to the advance screening at 8 p.m. on Thursday....and Friday is Pirate Day at school.

* Recent pictures are on my Facebook....I'm just going to put them there until I can figure out the whole picture thing on this blog. I can't get it to work right!

Me and Heather at the Cub Foods

Tonight, Heather was over to hang out for a few minutes. I love Heather! She's just turned 18, and I've known her since she was a toddler...basically forever.

As we run over to Cub Foods, in her new Dodge Stratus that she got for her 18th birthday two months ago, I mention that I am so happy to see that she has the seat pulled up as far as possible. I also have my car seat pulled up all the way, which is necessary for me to be able to reach the pedals.

Heather says that she's never understood those driver's ed teachers that say that you should have a book's length of space in between you and the steering wheel. And then she decides she would like to try this, and see how it feels.

Quote of the night #1:
"I'm going to test something here, and if you die, it's not my fault."

Walking into Cubs, with Heather wearing a tank and a pair of capris... Quote of the night #2:
"I wish I had remembered to bring my jacket with me. I feel like a whore right now."

And....to show how much I love my Heather.....I scaled a cooler, just to get a package of bacon that was in the back.

I scaled a cooler at Cubs.

Fun times on a Thursday night.

This and That

Wow, it's been like a month since my last post. It's been a very long, draining month, but here's the highlights:

* I got a part time job at Babies R Us. I need more money, to pay for England and stuff, and figured if I'm going to work anywhere like that, Babies R Us would be the best place, as I am an expert at the product.

* Regular job is hell right now. Won't go into details here, but if you want to know the whole gory story, just ask me.

* Nathan's birthday is next week, on the 8th. I can't believe he's 4!! AND, Barrett's birthday is on the 14th. He's going to be 7!! It's all a bit insane.

* Another Goebel baby is coming around Thanksgiving! Congrats to Todd and Julie!

* Chelsea is still in the hunt for the league title. Joe Cole is amazing right now. Go Joe!!!! They play Arsenal on Sunday. It's a game they have to win, as they need all the points they can get right now if they want to win the league title for a third time.

* New season of Hannah Montana started last week. I know, it's the Disney Channel, but how can you not like Billy Ray Cyrus?

* Ella Marie started soccer this year. She is wearing the required uniform shirt, but other than that, everything she has on is pink. Pink shoes, soccer socks, shinguards, soccer ball, shorts, everything. It's not hard to pick her out of the group.

* Survivor is almost over. Alex (my pick) got voted out last night. It sucks.

* I need man.

* I think I might want to open up my own daycare/preschool center. I already have a name for it: Excelsior Prep. It's the name of the prep school that Lex Luthor went to in Metropolis. Any thoughts on this idea?

* Two months until camp. And, I've got nothing done for it. Panic is about to set in soon.

* Qdoba is the downfall of my existance. The steak nachos are a little piece of heaven.

* I saw a guy in Sam's the other day buying a box of 52 pair of underwear. That's a lot of underwear.

* Tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo. Have a margurita and celebrate!

Happy Day!

Joe Cole is BACK!!!! He officially started training with the team again on Sunday, and should be playing Wednesday against Valencia. It's about frickin' time!!! He's been out all season.

You may now do a saucy jig to celebrate.

In other news.....work is crap. Literally. Last week, I got pooped on twice and Audrey peed in my hand. I need a new job.

Randomness from the last week or so

• Today is the first day of the two day long St. Patrick's Day celebration. I have eaten potatoes about 4 times already, I believe. Man, I love potatoes.
• I may or may not have scared a life out of my sister's cat today.
• Next weekend the Professional Bullriders Association is in town for two days. Hmm....cowboys...........
• Joe Cole is hoping to return to playing for Chelsea in about a month. He's been out for most of the season so far due to injury. It's been a long season without my Joe.
• My Punky has been in Florida for the last week with the family. I am having serious Punky withdrawl.
• This week, I began taking a prescription sleeping pill. I can go to sleep fine, but keep waking up during the night and staying awake. I didn't realize how tired I was until Saturday, when I took the first one and slept 12 hours straight. Guess I was a bit tired!
• Sunday was Clayton's third birthday. I can't believe he's three!! I remember holding him in the hospital when he was just 6 hours old. I got him a Betta fish and a fish tank. He is so excited...and promptly named his fish Nemo. He asked me several times why he can't pet his fish. It's a hard concept for a three year old.
• I have lost 11 pounds so far on my "eat healthier" plan. Yay me!

Potatoes, St. Patrick's Day, and all other things Irish

So, I did a dumb thing. Although I'm not Catholic, in recent years I have been trying to give something up for Lent, just to see if I could.

This year, I gave up potatoes. It's a hard thing. I am Irish and English, it turns out. More Irish, though, like 90%. In case you couldn't tell by my pale white skin, blonde hair and numerous freckles. I know, it's a shock. Just believe me on this one. I'm really Irish.

Giving up potatoes is KILLING ME!!!!!!!!!!!! There are some days when I just eat a big bowl of mashed potatoes with stuff added to it for lunch or supper. That's how much I like potatoes.

My one reprieve is that I put the stipulation in that I can eat potatoes on St. Patrick's Day. It would be impossible to eat Irish food on that day and not have something made from potatoes involved. Two weeks to go until my day of reprieve....................

But on to the exciting news..........

This summer...I'm going to the UK!!!!

First off, we're going to Ireland. Our first stop will be the Cliffs of Moher (below). Aren't they amazing?



After five fun filled days in the land of my ancestry (and the land that gave us Guiness), we're off to Scotland. While in Scotland, I plan on buying a piece of land, so I can become an official Lady. And yes, I will be making everyone call me Lady Miranda...so if you want to go ahead and start now so you can get used to it, feel free.

From there....on to England. First stop.....Pemberley. From Pride and Prejudice, the six-hour mini series...not the crappy movie that came out last year. Trust me, it sucks wind compared to the BBC version.

This is Lyme Park, which they used for Pemberley. And, yes, I do plan on stealing a bottle of water from the lake out in front, where the famous Mr. Darcy-coming-out-of-the-lake-looking-all-wet-and-sexy-scene took place.



Speaking of Mr. Darcy...I also plan on stalking Colin Firth while there.......



And Joe Cole. A tour of Stamford Bridge (Chelsea's football stadium) is on the first day of London's itnerary. The tour includes the locker room, so even if I don't see him, I can still try to leave him a note in his locker. I know, it's all very junior high, but what's the alternative?



Four and a half months until we leave. I don't know if I can wait that long!!!! The wait is going to kill me if the loss of potatoes don't first!

Pemberley

I got a fish this weekend. A purple Betta fish. His name is Pemberley.

Obama...and wind burn

Yesterday, I went to see Sen. Barack Obama announce that he was running for president. My sister's friend Carrie was able to get us tickets so we were in the 'preferred seating' area, not just out on the street with the other 17,000 people that were there.

We got there at about 8:30...and it was 11 degrees. Even wearing multiple layers, it was flippin' cold outside! Thank goodness for the handwarmers and feet warmers I had bought the night before at Dick's Sporting Goods...five dollars well spent!

Here is my sister and I, freezing our butts off!



Barack Obama...announcing that he's running for president. Yes, we really were that close.



The snipers on the roofs around us, in case someone wanted to shoot Obama. I don't think I have ever seen snipers on roofs in Springfield before.



After the announcement stuff was over, we started walking back and Brian, a friend of April's friend Carrie who was with us, was saying that he had never been to Springfield's capitol building, as he is from Michigan..and had never really been to Springfield before. (He goes to Ill. Wesleyan). So...we had to stop at the capitol so he could see the rotunda and stuff.

Upon entering, I had to stop and check out the photo of my favorite politician....State Treasurer Alexi Giannoulias. Hey, he's 30, single, and mighty nice looking.....




Laying on the floor looking at the Rotunda with Carrie and Brian....



All in all....good morning. Even though it took me hours to finally thaw out...my face is still wind burned. And my ankles hurt from standing on tip toe for hours.

I need some hot chocolate now.

so, I'm going on a "not a job interview" job interview in the morning. Wish me luck!

Oh, and I have a story in the A&E section. It's on the Illinois Symphony Orchestra. Check it out as well!

This is Lucas. Guess what he did the other day?

Yes, that would be poop. It makes you all out there appreciate your own jobs just a little bit more, doesn't it?

Check out my story in today's A&E section:

http://www.sj-r.com/sections/ane/stories/106214.asp

totally ticked off!!

I am quite angry right now. Without going into details, let me just say that I am tired of working my butt off, giving my time and talents to something just to find out that I am not considered a part of the group. I am getting sick and tired of being used. I think I may have to take a step back and just take a break from everything for a while. I am really, really angry right now...I can't even see straight.

Bored with my social circles

Do you ever feel that you are just surrounded by the same people all the time? I was thinking the other day, and realized that I really don't have an opportunity to meet a lot of new people because of where I am right now in life. Same people at work, same people at church, etc., etc. I think I need to do something where I can meet some new people, but I don't know what that is. Any thoughts?

Various observations from the last few days

• Ok, so I've been doing this blogger thing a few weeks now, and the one thing that I miss that xanga had was the footprints feature. I like knowing that there was someone out there who had read what I wrote, and that I'm not just writing into cyberspace. I haven't found that feature here yet. If it exists, please let me know. If not, at least leave me a comment and let me know that someone reads this thing.

• I took Thursday and Friday off as 'mental health days'. They were fantastic. It was basically two days of sleeping in late, laying around the house, and not doing a whole lot of anything. I think people need days like that once in a while. Although it is possible to do that on weekends, for some reason it just seemed better when you know you are supposed to be at work and you're not. I wonder why that is?
  
  
• I really am beginning to hate this time of year. My seasonal depression begins to kick in, now that the distraction of the holidays is over. I am going to try something new this year....Relecore. It's supposed to help make you feel better with some all-natural combination, anti-stress, etc., and in turn, it helps you lose belly fat. So, if all goes well, I will be happier AND skinner!! How can you go wrong with that?
  
  
• Last night at youth group, my small group (senior girls) kind of got off track. Best quote of the night, from one Ms. Rebecca Herrington: "If I could be allowed just one major sin, it would be to do Tom Welling." Yes, that would Clark Kent from the show Smallville.
  
  
• I have a new show that I am semi-obsessed with (and please, feel free to laugh). I am sad to announce that I have, in fact, becoming addicted to Hannah Montana on the Disney Channel. The girl in it is Miley Cyrus, daughter of one former mullet poster boy Billy Ray Cyrus, and he plays her dad in the show, sans mullet. But, they often refer back to the mullet days. And, it's just good fun. Any show that features Billy Ray Cyrus, sans mullet, is just good television.
  
  
• Next post: A photo essay of Saturday. My Christmas present to Nathan was a day trip to Moline, the home of the world headquarters of John Deere. Saturday was the day it happened. Let me just say that when he goes to Disney World this March, it will seem bland by comparison to the excitement and awesome-ness (is that word?) of the John Deere World Headquarters.

A Really Long Post....read it, the story about me trapped in a dress is worth it!

Wow...I'm glad the holidays are over. It's been an incredibly busy two weeks!

Saturday, the 23rd - Shopping all day with Rachel....and she bought 2 pairs of jeans. It's an event when Rachel buys jeans. She only does that about once a decade. She probably tried on 50 pairs of jeans before deciding which ones to purchase. I bought a dress and a pair of shoes to match.

I was planning to wear it that evening to Aaron and Callie's wedding. However, I made the mistake of trying on a different dress at home, and found out that the zipper was stuck through the fabric. And it wouldn't zip up all the way, or zip down so I could get it off. After a frantic phone call for suggestions on how to get out of being trapped in a dress, I finally just took a pair of scissors and cut myself out. It was quite the sight.

Saturday night - Callie and Aaron's wedding. It was beautiful. And weird. For dinner, we had pancakes and breakfast casserole. And Callie walked down the aisle to "Wouldn't It Be Nice" by the Beach Boys. I wouldn't expect anything less from that group.

Sunday - Christmas Eve service. I ran video for the a.m. services. It went spectacularly.

Monday - Christmas Day. I made my dad cry, he was so moved by what I got him for Christmas. I get the Daughter of the Century award.

Tuesday-Friday - We only had 2 kids all week in my class. I used the opportunity to repaint my classroom, and add bright color accents. It looks amazing now.

New Year's Weekend - I cleaned a lot. Not much else exciting for the party weekend.

For Christmas, I received seasons 2 and 3 of Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman. So, I have been in a Superman zone for the last two weeks. Dean Cain is a great Superman. And, while he's nice looking as Superman, he's really hot as Clark Kent...the hottest Clark Kent I've ever seen.

And to use a term my sister has just invented: I think I was just Willoughby-ed today. Read Sense and Sensibility if you don't know who Willoughby is.