Sunday, December 30, 2007

Please Respond!

I hate waiting for a response to an email or a text I have sent. I am not a very patient person when it comes to things like that. With kids, I can be as patient as the day is long. Waiting for a response to an email or a text, not so much.
So please do me a huge favor. If I email or text you for any reason, please, PLEASE respond in a timely manner. Even if the response is "thanks, but can't, busy" or "busy today, but we will talk more later". Just don't leave me hanging!

In other news, getting ready for the new year. More on that to come tomorrow!

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Snow, Ice and All Things Nice

This time of year is the worst. The last two weekends, there have been an extreme amount of ice and snow. Saturday, when I was getting ready to leave BRU, I discovered that my car battery was dead. Sunday morning, I got a new car battery installed thanks to the auto skills of Mr. Robert Reynolds (Bob, you are my hero!).

Last week, after the ice storm, I stood in a friend’s front yard and we played in the ice. It had completely frozen the grass and made a most satisfying crunchy/cracking sound when jumping on it. The ice that was frozen on the trees was quite breathtaking as it glistened in the moonlight. It was a great night.

But, the beauty of the ice is now melted away. Much like everything else in life, it doesn’t last.

There is so much drama going on in life right now. Drama with friends, drama with co-workers, drama with health issues, drama, drama, DRAMA!!! How can you tell a friend that he’s being a stupid idiot? Or tell a friend that you agree with someone else’s assessment of a situation? How do you tell someone what you really think of them?

Christmas is next week. I can’t even get excited about it this year. I’ve been working non-stop, it seems, and the craziness of shopping and trying to get things done is sort of sapping the excitement out of it for me this year. I am excited to see the kids’ reactions to the gifts that I’ve picked out for them. Other than that, it seems to be more about tasks and doing, rather than enjoying the season and having fun.

Sometimes, in days like this, I feel like I am drowning, and just waiting for someone to reach out a hand to save me.

A song that sums things up:

I'm standing on a bridge
I'm waiting in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
There's nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but there's no sound

Isn't anyone tryin to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

I'm looking for a place
I'm searching for a face
Is anybody here I know
'Cause nothing's going right
And everything's a mess
And no one likes to be alone

Isn't anyone trying to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

Oh why is everything so confusing
Maybe I'm just out of my mind
Yea yea yea

It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

Friday, December 7, 2007

Things You May Not Know About Me

Ten Things You Want To Say To Ten People:
1. I know this has been an extremely difficult time for you. I love you and will always be here for you.
2. I hate you for what you’ve done to me emotionally, but I still like you enough to want to be with you. And I hate myself for still liking you.
3. I miss you terribly, and wish you’d come home soon.
4. I don’t understand why you could just drop me from your life like that. It still hurts.
5. I am so glad that you are in my life once again. My heart has had a gaping hole in it since you left.
6. A thousand words are nice, but actions are nicer. Please stop talking and start doing.
7. Thank you for your unconditional love and support. You will never know how much that means to me.
8. I may be blonde and have a large chest, but I am not a stupid bimbo. I am quite intelligent. Please treat me as such.
9. Get over yourself. You aren’t that special.
10. What you did to me has scarred me for life. I doubt I will ever be able to forgive you. If I never see you again, I would be ok with that.

Nine Things About Yourself:
1. The only reason I clean my house is I fear what Grissom and Willows would think if I was murdered and they came to investigate the crime scene.
2. I’m scared to death of roller coasters, heights, spiders and mice.
3. I don’t know how to swim. I flunked swim class when I was 8.
4. I don’t remember much of my childhood before age 11.
5. I really wish I could be courted in the old-fashioned sense of the word.
6. I feel like a bad-ass chick when I’m in my cowgirl gear (Wranglers, boots, etc.)
7. I love designer labels, and would rather have one really good designer piece than a closet full of knock-offs.
8. I would take a bullet for my kids.
9. I want to take ballroom dance lessons so I can dance like on Dancing with the Stars.

Eight Ways To Win My Heart:
1. Write me letters, like they did in the old days
2. Talk to me/Be honest with me
3. Make me feel safe enough to cry in front of you, and hold me when I do
4. Don’t lead me on or jerk my chain
5. Be man enough to date only me (and call it a date)
6. Leave me notes, a flower, or text me during the day to let me know you are thinking of me.
7. Surprise me. Leave me a flower/note taped to my front door so I get it when I get home from a long day at work.
8. Hold my hand

Seven Things That Cross Your Mind a Lot:
1. The kids
2. Stupid boys
3. Ireland
4. Friends
5. Love
6. Music lyrics that are stuck in my head
7. God

Six Things You Wish You Never Did:
1. I don’t know if I really have any major regrets. Everything that I’ve done, good or bad, has shaped me into the person I am today.

Five Turn Offs:
1. Smoking
2. Indecisiveness
3. Being too judgmental
4. Physical weakness (I need to feel safe and secure)
5. Being too focused on physical aspects of a relationship

Four Turn Ons:
1. Patience/Understanding
2. Expressive eyes/Knowing smile
3. Guys that wear sweaters over button down shirts and jeans (I like preppy dressers if they aren’t cowboys)
4. Cowboys

Three Smiley's That Describe Your Life:
1. :(
2. :)
3. ;)

Two Things You Want To Do Before You Die:
1. Fall in Love
2. Live in Ireland (for longer than a week)

One Confession:
1. I desperately want to love and be loved, but am paralyzed by fear of rejection, hurt and loss.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

The Emotional Question

I am not an emotional girl. I never have been, as long as I can remember. I have feelings and emotions, just like everyone else. But I’ve learned over the years that it is useless to show them. Every time I have ever shown any emotion for anything, it turns out bad. Either I get made fun of, they just get dismissed because no one cares about them, or what usually happens, I get hurt.

When I was in school, I let a boy know once that I like him. I found out later that he had only asked me out as a joke. The last guy I let my guard down with and went out on a date with, he didn’t get the message that the double date (we were set up by friends of ours) that we were on with above mentioned friends with was an actual date, and brought another girl with us, a girl that he was interested in dating. So, forgive me if it’s hard for me to show a guy that I have feelings for him.

I’m not one to get all gushy over “girly-type” things. I don’t scrapbook, I don’t do candles, I don’t get all weepy over movies on Lifetime Channel. They could cancel the whole damn network and I wouldn’t care. I’d rather watch the Cowboys play football, or real cowboys rodeo than watch some sappy “heart-wrenching” drama about some woman dying and finding love for those few short months, starring Tori Spelling or Nancy McKeon. I would rather scoop out my own eyeballs with a spoon than read crap like Chicken Soup for the Soul. I would slit my own wrists before I went to an event such as the Women of Faith conference or a “Ladies Retreat”.

I’m also not a crier. I just don’t like to cry, especially in front of people. That’s always been something that has driven my sister, in particular, a little crazy. I don’t even cry at funerals.

And, according to my results of my spiritual gifts survey during my Network class at church a few years ago…I scored a zero on mercy and compassion. Go figure. (My spiritual gifts are administration, creative communications and teaching, by the way. That’s why I rock at running camp!)

Does this make me less of a girl? I don’t know. I still do some girly things. I read Cosmo (British and American versions). I’m completely into fashion, designer labels, and shopping. (My latest fashion craze that I’m trying out is the preppy London look….I loved what I saw when I was in London, so I’m trying to copy it here. It’s a bit hard, but I’m trying.) I like to dress up and do my hair and makeup and look nice. I like it when boys open doors for me, and act all gentlemanly. I love a good girly romance novel. (not trashy romance novels, but real romance novels, like Jane Austen’s stuff).

But, there are things that I like that are traditionally non-girly as well. I have a degree in Agricultural Communications. There were many times in college when I was the only girl in my Ag classes, and was completely comfortable hanging out with the farm boys. I can rope calves. I hung out at the rodeo in college. I worked as a sports reporter for several years, in an all-male sports department. I’ve heard all the dirty jokes. Lovelines with Dr. Drew and Adam Carrola was always on the television in the sports department (there are some messed up people out there!). I have hung out in locker rooms, football fields, hockey arenas, the pit area at the racetrack, and just about anywhere else you can think of. Does that make me less of a girl? I don’t know.

So…what’s the point to all of this? I don’t know. Am I messed up because I’m not emotional? Or girly? Should I start showing more emotions and letting people in on my feelings? I don’t know. I have yet to have a good outcome from showing emotion and feelings.

Henry the VII once said, “As a king, is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” I have a similar question. Is it better to be emotional and risk getting hurt, or not be emotional at all and never get hurt again?

If anyone has any thoughts on this, it would be greatly appreciated!!