Sunday, July 8, 2007

The Search for Hope

I leave for Ireland in 7 days!

My birthday is in 6 days!

Other than that, really can't find much exciting about life. For those that don't know, I was diagnosed with depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder a few years back. So, I have good days and some days that are not so good. It's a never ending cycle that I am constantly fighting to break out of, but yet I never seem to get out of the cycle completely. I am also learning that while I can be feeling good one moment, the slightest thing can trigger a downward cycle. It can be little things, such as a friend not calling me back, someone treating me in a way that they wouldn't anyone else, or even just a long night alone when it seems like no one cares. Some of it is my own issues, such as allowing someone to talk to me in a way I don't like, but not having the confidence to call them out on it.

I look at people that have such hope in the future, and wonder how they get that hope. At times I wonder if I am just one of those people who are destined to be melancholy and alone all of my life. Some people are just born that way; usually they are great artists or musicians or something. I, on the other hand, am rapidly becoming a George least I'm not living with my parents right now.

How does one get hope? And is that what makes people happy? Is that why I can't get truly happy, because I have no hope? I don't want to rely on prescription drugs the rest of my life to feel happy...or whatever semblance of happy that it creates.

I need someone to tell me that it's all going to be OK.

Friday, July 6, 2007

wow, it's been almost a month since my last post. Here are a few updates of what's been going on since then.

* I don't have mono! Yay! This theory was tested on Friday night the week I was sick. Clayton decided to bodyslam me. If I did have mono, then I am currently working without a spleen, as I believe it would have ruptured.

* Camp was June 23-30. It went really well. Jr. highers will suck your soul right out, I am convinced. Many stories will come from camp, I'm sure, but the highlights are: had to call DCFS; sent one girl home after she tried to kill herself; sent two kids to the hospital, one with a gash on his head that required stitches and the other with a broken leg (turned out to be just a chip out of the shin bone); got yelled at by a parent for trying to make her son understand why you can't destroy other people's property and why he has to pay to replace said destroyed items; spent many hours convincing Craig that I did not intentionally give him all of the hoodlums in one cabin, that it just worked out that way; did a Christian Passover Seder; taught the kids about Jesus and how Superman is a modern day parable of the Gospel story; and made fun of Patrick Embley any chance I got. Camp is always a good week, even with all the crap that went on. MY COUNSELORS ROCKED IT OUT!!! They are awesome! Except for Sarah Liz, who is just a mean counselor, of course.

The small groups at camp this year were really deep, especially for jr. highers. My counselors were telling me about times when the kids were just crying after talking about things, such as who they are, why they are here, jesus loves them, what their true identity is, etc. Hopefully lives were changed.

* I LEAVE FOR IRELAND IN NINE DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's so insane to think that it's this close already. Before you ask, yes, I am aware of the bombings in London, and yes, I still plan on going. I'm flying into and out of Ireland, and really, no one is mad at the Irish, they just bomb each other. We went ahead and registered our trip with the Embassy, just in case something else happens. Today I went and got my Travel Visa card. It's so much easier than traveler's checks, and if it gets stolen, it's covered by Visa, which is good.

* I still have no job. Been sending out lots of resumes, but nothing back yet. Thankfully, I haven't had any rejections yet either, so I am taking it as a good sign.

Other than that, not much else to report on. My birthday is in 8 days! Yay for birthdays!