Friday, April 25, 2008

insecurities, and how to break up a footballer's wedding

It's 8:20 on a Friday night, and my most exciting boy encounter this week has been with a 21-month old. (Boy, I love the Lucas kisses!)

I am a very insecure person about relationships. If I call you or text you or something, and don't hear back from you relatively soon, I don't think 'oh, person x is busy, or whatever.' My first thought is usually along the lines of 'what did I do wrong', 'are you upset with me', 'are you ignoring me for a reason', 'you no longer like me', etc., etc.

It's very hard for me to break out of that thought pattern. I don't want to be insecure about my relationships with other people. However, I don't do this with everybody. With some, if I don't hear back from them soon, I'm totally fine with it. I have some friends who this has become the norm....because of wacky work schedules, time zone differences, etc., there are times where a single conversation will stretch over days or weeks, with the exchange of text messages being very sporadic. With others, however, I love to talk to them on a regular, if not daily, basis, and when it doesn't happen, I start to worry about where I stand. I can't help it.

Confidence is something easily faked, but harder to actually come by. One thing that I have learned in life is that people always disappoint you, and they always leave you at some point. It's probably why I have such a hard time really getting close to someone. Everytime I open up and get close to someone, they end up hurting me and leaving. So, hence the insecurity at times.

In a totally unrelated side note: I must express my anger at Fox Soccer Channel. The biggest game of the season is tomorrow morning, and they are not showing the game!! It's the unofficial championship for the league title between Chelsea and Man Utd.

Related player news: Prayers go out to Frank Lampard, who's mother passed away Thursdsay and most likely will not be playing on Saturday. Joe Cole is engaged....but the wedding isn't happening until summer of I need ideas on how to get him to notice me and want to marry me instead. I have just over a year to figure this one out! I'd prefer he notice me without a restraining order being involved, by the way.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

a vicious cycle

Wow, it's been a whole month since I've posted last. Let's see, what`s happened in the last month:

  • I've been really busy at work, between Holy Week and the kick-off of the new capital appeals campaign. It's starting to slow down a bit, finally...I hope so, at least.
  • Kids have been good. Clayton turned 4 in March. Scott turned 3 on April 1. (My April Fool's baby!) I think they both liked the card that played music more than the actual gift. It totally cracked me up! Shopping for Nathan and Barrett's birthdays in May will be a breeze...just hit the musical card aisle at Hallmark!
  • I have decided to get a dog. I found one that I really liked, but he weighed too much (my apartment has a weight restriction - I can only have dogs that weigh 20 pounds or less). I finally found another one I liked, at Sangamon County Animal Control, but when I got him home, it wasn`t a good fit. He was way too active and hyper to be living in an apartment. He was the coolest dog, but he needed to have a home with a big backyard he could run in all day. I had to take him back. (And, you still are not going to make me feel guilty about this! You know who you are!) So, the search continues.
  • I have to get a new phone. My current phone has been locking up, the screen freezes, it shuts down, etc. I've been having major problems. So, today I ordered a new one. It should be here tomorrow!
  • Season 2 of the Tudors finally has begun. I`m in history (and Jonathan Rhys Meyers) heaven.
  • Chelsea FC have only four games left in the season, and trail Man Utd by 5 points. But, one of the games left is against Man Utd, so there's still a chance they will win it all! GO BLUES!
  • Working on camp stuff a ton. I can't believe it's only 2 months away now!!

In keeping with my last post, here are my thoughts on the 30-year-old virgin's blog. This section of one particular post really struck me: One day I'll decide: that's it, if I ever want to be in a relationship, I'm going to have to make the effort. And then I will (in what pathetic ways I can think of). Then, after a few days/weeks/months/minutes of effort, I re-re-re-realize that I'm incapable of anything approaching a normal human relationship. Then I give up and decide that I'd better get used to being alone because I am and always will be. After an equally random period of those efforts, I decide that if I ever want to be in a relationship, I'm going to have to make the effort. And the cycle repeats itself.

I love this paragraph. This cycle is totally something that I can relate to. There have been many times that I have felt the same way: I decide that if I don't want to die alone, I have to make an effort. But, every time I try to make an effort, it always ends badly. So I stop trying, and the cycle continues.

Right now, there is someone that I "like" (to use a phrase from high school). But, I am scared to show that, because I've always gotten burned in the past when I do. So, I will most likely do nothing, wait patiently for the guy to do something, nothing will happen, and life will go on just like it always does, with me ending up alone once again. It's a vicious cycle, much like the cycle of depression I fight: I can take medication for it, which makes me feel better; then after a while, I begin to think that I don't need the medication, because I am feeling so great, so I stop taking it; then I fall back into a depression, and logically I know that I need to take the medicine for it, but the depression makes me not care to the point where I don't care if I take it or not. Hence, the vicious cycle continues.

Cycles are a hard thing to break. I so want to break the relationship cycle that I am in. There are times where I really want to just do it, but fear and self-doubt always stop me. Maybe one day I'll be able to tell him..................maybe.