The Search for Hope

I leave for Ireland in 7 days!

My birthday is in 6 days!



Other than that, really can't find much exciting about life. For those that don't know, I was diagnosed with depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder a few years back. So, I have good days and some days that are not so good. It's a never ending cycle that I am constantly fighting to break out of, but yet I never seem to get out of the cycle completely. I am also learning that while I can be feeling good one moment, the slightest thing can trigger a downward cycle. It can be little things, such as a friend not calling me back, someone treating me in a way that they wouldn't anyone else, or even just a long night alone when it seems like no one cares. Some of it is my own issues, such as allowing someone to talk to me in a way I don't like, but not having the confidence to call them out on it.

I look at people that have such hope in the future, and wonder how they get that hope. At times I wonder if I am just one of those people who are destined to be melancholy and alone all of my life. Some people are just born that way; usually they are great artists or musicians or something. I, on the other hand, am rapidly becoming a George Constanza...at least I'm not living with my parents right now.

How does one get hope? And is that what makes people happy? Is that why I can't get truly happy, because I have no hope? I don't want to rely on prescription drugs the rest of my life to feel happy...or whatever semblance of happy that it creates.

I need someone to tell me that it's all going to be OK.