The Emotional Question

I am not an emotional girl. I never have been, as long as I can remember. I have feelings and emotions, just like everyone else. But I’ve learned over the years that it is useless to show them. Every time I have ever shown any emotion for anything, it turns out bad. Either I get made fun of, they just get dismissed because no one cares about them, or what usually happens, I get hurt.

When I was in school, I let a boy know once that I like him. I found out later that he had only asked me out as a joke. The last guy I let my guard down with and went out on a date with, he didn’t get the message that the double date (we were set up by friends of ours) that we were on with above mentioned friends with was an actual date, and brought another girl with us, a girl that he was interested in dating. So, forgive me if it’s hard for me to show a guy that I have feelings for him.

I’m not one to get all gushy over “girly-type” things. I don’t scrapbook, I don’t do candles, I don’t get all weepy over movies on Lifetime Channel. They could cancel the whole damn network and I wouldn’t care. I’d rather watch the Cowboys play football, or real cowboys rodeo than watch some sappy “heart-wrenching” drama about some woman dying and finding love for those few short months, starring Tori Spelling or Nancy McKeon. I would rather scoop out my own eyeballs with a spoon than read crap like Chicken Soup for the Soul. I would slit my own wrists before I went to an event such as the Women of Faith conference or a “Ladies Retreat”.

I’m also not a crier. I just don’t like to cry, especially in front of people. That’s always been something that has driven my sister, in particular, a little crazy. I don’t even cry at funerals.

And, according to my results of my spiritual gifts survey during my Network class at church a few years ago…I scored a zero on mercy and compassion. Go figure. (My spiritual gifts are administration, creative communications and teaching, by the way. That’s why I rock at running camp!)

Does this make me less of a girl? I don’t know. I still do some girly things. I read Cosmo (British and American versions). I’m completely into fashion, designer labels, and shopping. (My latest fashion craze that I’m trying out is the preppy London look….I loved what I saw when I was in London, so I’m trying to copy it here. It’s a bit hard, but I’m trying.) I like to dress up and do my hair and makeup and look nice. I like it when boys open doors for me, and act all gentlemanly. I love a good girly romance novel. (not trashy romance novels, but real romance novels, like Jane Austen’s stuff).

But, there are things that I like that are traditionally non-girly as well. I have a degree in Agricultural Communications. There were many times in college when I was the only girl in my Ag classes, and was completely comfortable hanging out with the farm boys. I can rope calves. I hung out at the rodeo in college. I worked as a sports reporter for several years, in an all-male sports department. I’ve heard all the dirty jokes. Lovelines with Dr. Drew and Adam Carrola was always on the television in the sports department (there are some messed up people out there!). I have hung out in locker rooms, football fields, hockey arenas, the pit area at the racetrack, and just about anywhere else you can think of. Does that make me less of a girl? I don’t know.

So…what’s the point to all of this? I don’t know. Am I messed up because I’m not emotional? Or girly? Should I start showing more emotions and letting people in on my feelings? I don’t know. I have yet to have a good outcome from showing emotion and feelings.

Henry the VII once said, “As a king, is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” I have a similar question. Is it better to be emotional and risk getting hurt, or not be emotional at all and never get hurt again?

If anyone has any thoughts on this, it would be greatly appreciated!!