a vicious cycle

Wow, it's been a whole month since I've posted last. Let's see, what`s happened in the last month:

• I've been really busy at work, between Holy Week and the kick-off of the new capital appeals campaign. It's starting to slow down a bit, finally...I hope so, at least.
• Kids have been good. Clayton turned 4 in March. Scott turned 3 on April 1. (My April Fool's baby!) I think they both liked the card that played music more than the actual gift. It totally cracked me up! Shopping for Nathan and Barrett's birthdays in May will be a breeze...just hit the musical card aisle at Hallmark!
• I have decided to get a dog. I found one that I really liked, but he weighed too much (my apartment has a weight restriction - I can only have dogs that weigh 20 pounds or less). I finally found another one I liked, at Sangamon County Animal Control, but when I got him home, it wasn`t a good fit. He was way too active and hyper to be living in an apartment. He was the coolest dog, but he needed to have a home with a big backyard he could run in all day. I had to take him back. (And, you still are not going to make me feel guilty about this! You know who you are!) So, the search continues.
• I have to get a new phone. My current phone has been locking up, the screen freezes, it shuts down, etc. I've been having major problems. So, today I ordered a new one. It should be here tomorrow!
• Season 2 of the Tudors finally has begun. I`m in history (and Jonathan Rhys Meyers) heaven.
• Chelsea FC have only four games left in the season, and trail Man Utd by 5 points. But, one of the games left is against Man Utd, so there's still a chance they will win it all! GO BLUES!
• Working on camp stuff a ton. I can't believe it's only 2 months away now!!

In keeping with my last post, here are my thoughts on the 30-year-old virgin's blog. This section of one particular post really struck me: One day I'll decide: that's it, if I ever want to be in a relationship, I'm going to have to make the effort. And then I will (in what pathetic ways I can think of). Then, after a few days/weeks/months/minutes of effort, I re-re-re-realize that I'm incapable of anything approaching a normal human relationship. Then I give up and decide that I'd better get used to being alone because I am and always will be. After an equally random period of those efforts, I decide that if I ever want to be in a relationship, I'm going to have to make the effort. And the cycle repeats itself.

I love this paragraph. This cycle is totally something that I can relate to. There have been many times that I have felt the same way: I decide that if I don't want to die alone, I have to make an effort. But, every time I try to make an effort, it always ends badly. So I stop trying, and the cycle continues.

Right now, there is someone that I "like" (to use a phrase from high school). But, I am scared to show that, because I've always gotten burned in the past when I do. So, I will most likely do nothing, wait patiently for the guy to do something, nothing will happen, and life will go on just like it always does, with me ending up alone once again. It's a vicious cycle, much like the cycle of depression I fight: I can take medication for it, which makes me feel better; then after a while, I begin to think that I don't need the medication, because I am feeling so great, so I stop taking it; then I fall back into a depression, and logically I know that I need to take the medicine for it, but the depression makes me not care to the point where I don't care if I take it or not. Hence, the vicious cycle continues.

Cycles are a hard thing to break. I so want to break the relationship cycle that I am in. There are times where I really want to just do it, but fear and self-doubt always stop me. Maybe one day I'll be able to tell him..................maybe.