So...Saturday night. I was driving home from the camp at about 11:30 p.m. on Chatham Road, near Amber Jacks, when someone shot at me. I have a bullet hole in the windshield of my car. Luckily, it hit the passenger side, so I wasn’t hurt. Scared the hell out of me, though. Anyway, I pulled over and called 911 immediately. Cops came and filled out a report, searched the area (of course they didn’t find anyone), and then let me go home. So, now just freaked out, and waiting to see if the cops find anyone, which in all likely-hood, they will not.
I took a quiz online a few years ago that told me that I have a high likelyhood of being murdered in my lifetime, for a number of factors. One, I have long hair, which is easy for someone to grab. But the biggest one is that I am a journalist, and therefore can supposedly have access to confidential or sensitive information. I can see that, if I was working on Watergate or something. But I do agriculture and arts/entertaiment. I highly doubt my last story on Arlo Guthrie is going to get me murdered. It might, but I'm doubtful.
So, right now I'm just trying to get my nerves calmed back down, and not be scared to drive down Chatham Road (which is where I also had my car accident in January).
And, I get to come up with $100 to get my windshield replaced...although, the bullet hole is pretty wicked looking, so maybe I'll just keep it for a while. Add those fake bullet hole stickers to the rest of the car and make a new game: "Find the Real Bullet Hole!"
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Thursday, May 15, 2008
let's get physical
The other day, I had a conversation with a friend about the physical aspects of relationships. The physical aspect of relationships has always been something that’s been a little hard for me to deal with. (For those who know me well, know why. I’m not going to go into it all here.)
Showing affection in a physical way is a tricky thing. I have some friends that I can show affection to openly and without any reservations. And of course, there are the kids. As a preschool teacher, showing love and affection for the kids in my class was practically a job requirement. Showing affection to my kids is easy and natural. There’s nothing better than the bear hugs from Clayton or Punky kisses to make the day better.
Adults are different, especially if it’s a member of the opposite sex. I’m not one to initiate things. I am constantly tense if I am around someone that I would like to show affection to, but can’t. Showing affection can be a tricky thing. There’s always the fear of misreading intentions and signals, or outright rejection. For me, it’s always better if the other person initiates things. Then I will know that it’s safe to show affection back.
They say the human touch is a necessity of life, just as much as breathing, eating and sleeping. Studies have shown that monkeys that are deprived of touch and affection die. If I can’t breathe, I go outside to get more air; if I’m hungry, I eat something; if I am tired, I sleep. Why, then, is it so hard to give and receive the affection that I need to survive?
So let me know if you want me to show you some affection. As GI Joe says: “And knowing is half the battle.”
Showing affection in a physical way is a tricky thing. I have some friends that I can show affection to openly and without any reservations. And of course, there are the kids. As a preschool teacher, showing love and affection for the kids in my class was practically a job requirement. Showing affection to my kids is easy and natural. There’s nothing better than the bear hugs from Clayton or Punky kisses to make the day better.
Adults are different, especially if it’s a member of the opposite sex. I’m not one to initiate things. I am constantly tense if I am around someone that I would like to show affection to, but can’t. Showing affection can be a tricky thing. There’s always the fear of misreading intentions and signals, or outright rejection. For me, it’s always better if the other person initiates things. Then I will know that it’s safe to show affection back.
They say the human touch is a necessity of life, just as much as breathing, eating and sleeping. Studies have shown that monkeys that are deprived of touch and affection die. If I can’t breathe, I go outside to get more air; if I’m hungry, I eat something; if I am tired, I sleep. Why, then, is it so hard to give and receive the affection that I need to survive?
So let me know if you want me to show you some affection. As GI Joe says: “And knowing is half the battle.”
Monday, May 12, 2008
hate, love, apathy and One Tree Hill
Tonight I was watching the newest episode of One Tree Hill. For those that don't watch the show, it centers around two half-brothers, Nathan and Lucas Scott, who grew up not knowing each other at all, and then was put on the same basketball team together. They hated each other at first, but as time went on, realized their bond as brothers was a good thing, and became the best of friends.
At the end of last season, the group graduated high school. Lucas declared his love for Peyton, whom he's had an on-again, off-again romance with. This season was different. It fast forwarded five years (the real age of the actors), and shows them dealing with their lives after high school, college, etc., and how they have all changed and grown up. One episode flashes back to when Lucas proposed to Peyton, but she turned him down, not because she didn't love him, but because she wasn't ready to get married. Fast forward to the present. Peyton is back in town, still in love with Lucas, when she finds out he has moved on and is dating a girl named Lindsey. Lucas asks Lindsey to marry him, and when Lindsey realizes (during the wedding) that Lucas still loves Peyton, she leaves him at the altar.
In tonight's episode, Lindsay calls Lucas to tell him that she's dating someone else. He gets really drunk at a bar, and Peyton finds him, half-passed out. She takes him home, and as she's getting ready to leave, he wakes up, looks at her and says "I wish you'd never come back here. I hate you. You have ruined my life."(And then goes back to sleep.)
They say that hate is one of the strongest words out there. We are taught to say that we "dislike" someone, or use some other word such as that. Hate has so many connotations to it; there's nothing more harsh than telling someone you hate them.
How many times have you wished that you could say that to someone? What is harder for me isn't the use of the word "hate", but the honesty and vulnerability that it takes to tell someone to their face that you hate them and that they've ruined your life.(Outside of screaming it at your parents when you are 14 and mad because they won't let you pierce a body part).
Most people believe that the opposite of hate is love. Love is an even harder word to say to someone; at least it is for me, unless the object of my love is someone under the age of 8. I have always had a hard time saying it, and an even harder time showing it. To have the nerve to tell someone that you love them is an incredible show of strength and vulnerability all at the same time. I wish I will have that nerve someday to tell him how much I love him.
Most people believe the opposite of hate is love; it's not. The opposite of hate is apathy. Apathy is much more hurtful, much more painful than hate. Hate means that you think about them enough to have an emotion; apathy means you don't care enough to even hate them. And that's the one that hurts the most for me. I can take hate, I would be happy to take love; but to think that someone doesn't care at all is incredibly painful.
So please, let me know you care...and dare I hope, love me?
At the end of last season, the group graduated high school. Lucas declared his love for Peyton, whom he's had an on-again, off-again romance with. This season was different. It fast forwarded five years (the real age of the actors), and shows them dealing with their lives after high school, college, etc., and how they have all changed and grown up. One episode flashes back to when Lucas proposed to Peyton, but she turned him down, not because she didn't love him, but because she wasn't ready to get married. Fast forward to the present. Peyton is back in town, still in love with Lucas, when she finds out he has moved on and is dating a girl named Lindsey. Lucas asks Lindsey to marry him, and when Lindsey realizes (during the wedding) that Lucas still loves Peyton, she leaves him at the altar.
In tonight's episode, Lindsay calls Lucas to tell him that she's dating someone else. He gets really drunk at a bar, and Peyton finds him, half-passed out. She takes him home, and as she's getting ready to leave, he wakes up, looks at her and says "I wish you'd never come back here. I hate you. You have ruined my life."(And then goes back to sleep.)
They say that hate is one of the strongest words out there. We are taught to say that we "dislike" someone, or use some other word such as that. Hate has so many connotations to it; there's nothing more harsh than telling someone you hate them.
How many times have you wished that you could say that to someone? What is harder for me isn't the use of the word "hate", but the honesty and vulnerability that it takes to tell someone to their face that you hate them and that they've ruined your life.(Outside of screaming it at your parents when you are 14 and mad because they won't let you pierce a body part).
Most people believe that the opposite of hate is love. Love is an even harder word to say to someone; at least it is for me, unless the object of my love is someone under the age of 8. I have always had a hard time saying it, and an even harder time showing it. To have the nerve to tell someone that you love them is an incredible show of strength and vulnerability all at the same time. I wish I will have that nerve someday to tell him how much I love him.
Most people believe the opposite of hate is love; it's not. The opposite of hate is apathy. Apathy is much more hurtful, much more painful than hate. Hate means that you think about them enough to have an emotion; apathy means you don't care enough to even hate them. And that's the one that hurts the most for me. I can take hate, I would be happy to take love; but to think that someone doesn't care at all is incredibly painful.
So please, let me know you care...and dare I hope, love me?
Thursday, May 1, 2008
random survey
1. Would you kill your neighbor? I have a new neighbor that just moved in...so there's no emotional attachment there. But, it's better to hire out. I've watched enough CSI!
2. Whats one word that describes your last fight? draining
3. What were you doing ten minutes ago? working on next week's bulletins
4. What's the last movie you saw? Expelled: No Intellegence Allowed! It was fantastic!
5. What did your last text message say? Incoming: I'm watching North Country right now, it's about female miners in the early 90s. The hair and clothes make it awesome! ---Outgoing: So, I have a very serious question: Do you have an AmEx card and do you love me enough to let me borrow it on Monday?
6. Who have you talked to most today? Outside of work...Todd Goebel, Philip - way too early this morning.
7. Do you carve pumpkins every year? I love to carve pumpkins! And then roast the seeds...yummy!!
8. Color of your shirt? pink and white stripes
9. Who's on speed dial 2? Bob Norman, I believe
10. How are you feeling right now? tired...but happy! It's the weekend!
11. How many times have you moved? once, unless you count the temporary 3-month stay in town when our house burnt down when I was 5.
12. What is the last thing you touched? Other than the keyboard? My phone.
13. Have you ever been called a punk? No...but I love my Punky!!
14. Was yesterday better than today? Today has been the best day!!!
15. What is your ring tone? Depends on who calls. It's different for different people.
16. Do you have a favorite number? 4 (If you went to A-C Central in the early 90s, you know why!)
17. Do you hate anyone/anything? I hate incompetence. Oh, and being inside when it's 80 degrees out like it is right now!
18. Does your best friend have a myspace? sure
19. If you could meet anyone who would it be? Currently alive - my future husband! Dead -
20. Last time you went out to lunch? Sunday
21. Do you have any music you're ashamed of? Nope...I'll readily admit to all of it, including the New Kids on the Block and the Hannah Montana!
22. Have you ever gotten into a physical fight with a member of the opposite sex? nope. I'm 5-1 and weigh just over 100 pounds. Do you really think that would end well for me?
23. How old will you be in 2 years ? 34
24. Do you think you'll be married by then? Sure hope so!
25. Do you have one or more Britney Spears CD's? never. She's retarded.
26. What did you do last night? Worked on camp stuff.
27. Are you a Lost fanatic? never watched it.
28. Do you have a song by Ozzy Osbourne in your library? Several!
29. Do you ever sing in the shower? Always
30. Whats your favorite movie? Gone with the Wind, Pride and Prejudice (BBC version), Bridget Jones, Star Wars, Indiana Jones, anything from the 80s.
31. Do people ever spell your name wrong? Always
32. Do you believe everyone has a soulmate? yes.
33. Can you sing? according to some, yes.
34. When was the last time you cried? CMA awards.
35. Are you ever a freak about cleanliness or organization? cleanliness, not really; organization, yes.
36. Have you ever been to South America or Africa? no
37. Do you know how to knit? no
38. Do you have a job? yes
39. Is there anything currently bothering you? tons of stuff
40. What are you doing right now besides this survey? at work
41. Do you know how to play poker? yes....but my rules are different than the real ones. Dad used to make up his own rules when we played when I was a kid.
42. Baskin Robins or Coldstone? ben and jerry's
43. Physics or chemistry? chemistry
44. Facebook or Myspace? facebook!
45. Do you wear any jewelry? when I remember it.
46. When do you prefer to take a shower, morning or night? morning
47. Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, or Star Wars? Star Wars!!! I hate Harry Potter.
48. Fly or road trip? road trip. flying scares me!
49. Batman, Spiderman, or Superman? Superman all the way!! I love Superman!!!
50. What's your favorite Disney movie? cartoon - beauty and the beast, pocahantas. live action - three musketeers
51. What are your plans for tonight? work on camp. play outside.
2. Whats one word that describes your last fight? draining
3. What were you doing ten minutes ago? working on next week's bulletins
4. What's the last movie you saw? Expelled: No Intellegence Allowed! It was fantastic!
5. What did your last text message say? Incoming: I'm watching North Country right now, it's about female miners in the early 90s. The hair and clothes make it awesome! ---Outgoing: So, I have a very serious question: Do you have an AmEx card and do you love me enough to let me borrow it on Monday?
6. Who have you talked to most today? Outside of work...Todd Goebel, Philip - way too early this morning.
7. Do you carve pumpkins every year? I love to carve pumpkins! And then roast the seeds...yummy!!
8. Color of your shirt? pink and white stripes
9. Who's on speed dial 2? Bob Norman, I believe
10. How are you feeling right now? tired...but happy! It's the weekend!
11. How many times have you moved? once, unless you count the temporary 3-month stay in town when our house burnt down when I was 5.
12. What is the last thing you touched? Other than the keyboard? My phone.
13. Have you ever been called a punk? No...but I love my Punky!!
14. Was yesterday better than today? Today has been the best day!!!
15. What is your ring tone? Depends on who calls. It's different for different people.
16. Do you have a favorite number? 4 (If you went to A-C Central in the early 90s, you know why!)
17. Do you hate anyone/anything? I hate incompetence. Oh, and being inside when it's 80 degrees out like it is right now!
18. Does your best friend have a myspace? sure
19. If you could meet anyone who would it be? Currently alive - my future husband! Dead -
20. Last time you went out to lunch? Sunday
21. Do you have any music you're ashamed of? Nope...I'll readily admit to all of it, including the New Kids on the Block and the Hannah Montana!
22. Have you ever gotten into a physical fight with a member of the opposite sex? nope. I'm 5-1 and weigh just over 100 pounds. Do you really think that would end well for me?
23. How old will you be in 2 years ? 34
24. Do you think you'll be married by then? Sure hope so!
25. Do you have one or more Britney Spears CD's? never. She's retarded.
26. What did you do last night? Worked on camp stuff.
27. Are you a Lost fanatic? never watched it.
28. Do you have a song by Ozzy Osbourne in your library? Several!
29. Do you ever sing in the shower? Always
30. Whats your favorite movie? Gone with the Wind, Pride and Prejudice (BBC version), Bridget Jones, Star Wars, Indiana Jones, anything from the 80s.
31. Do people ever spell your name wrong? Always
32. Do you believe everyone has a soulmate? yes.
33. Can you sing? according to some, yes.
34. When was the last time you cried? CMA awards.
35. Are you ever a freak about cleanliness or organization? cleanliness, not really; organization, yes.
36. Have you ever been to South America or Africa? no
37. Do you know how to knit? no
38. Do you have a job? yes
39. Is there anything currently bothering you? tons of stuff
40. What are you doing right now besides this survey? at work
41. Do you know how to play poker? yes....but my rules are different than the real ones. Dad used to make up his own rules when we played when I was a kid.
42. Baskin Robins or Coldstone? ben and jerry's
43. Physics or chemistry? chemistry
44. Facebook or Myspace? facebook!
45. Do you wear any jewelry? when I remember it.
46. When do you prefer to take a shower, morning or night? morning
47. Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, or Star Wars? Star Wars!!! I hate Harry Potter.
48. Fly or road trip? road trip. flying scares me!
49. Batman, Spiderman, or Superman? Superman all the way!! I love Superman!!!
50. What's your favorite Disney movie? cartoon - beauty and the beast, pocahantas. live action - three musketeers
51. What are your plans for tonight? work on camp. play outside.
Friday, April 25, 2008
insecurities, and how to break up a footballer's wedding
It's 8:20 on a Friday night, and my most exciting boy encounter this week has been with a 21-month old. (Boy, I love the Lucas kisses!)
I am a very insecure person about relationships. If I call you or text you or something, and don't hear back from you relatively soon, I don't think 'oh, person x is busy, or whatever.' My first thought is usually along the lines of 'what did I do wrong', 'are you upset with me', 'are you ignoring me for a reason', 'you no longer like me', etc., etc.
It's very hard for me to break out of that thought pattern. I don't want to be insecure about my relationships with other people. However, I don't do this with everybody. With some, if I don't hear back from them soon, I'm totally fine with it. I have some friends who this has become the norm....because of wacky work schedules, time zone differences, etc., there are times where a single conversation will stretch over days or weeks, with the exchange of text messages being very sporadic. With others, however, I love to talk to them on a regular, if not daily, basis, and when it doesn't happen, I start to worry about where I stand. I can't help it.
Confidence is something easily faked, but harder to actually come by. One thing that I have learned in life is that people always disappoint you, and they always leave you at some point. It's probably why I have such a hard time really getting close to someone. Everytime I open up and get close to someone, they end up hurting me and leaving. So, hence the insecurity at times.
In a totally unrelated side note: I must express my anger at Fox Soccer Channel. The biggest game of the season is tomorrow morning, and they are not showing the game!! It's the unofficial championship for the league title between Chelsea and Man Utd.
Related player news: Prayers go out to Frank Lampard, who's mother passed away Thursdsay and most likely will not be playing on Saturday. Also....my Joe Cole is engaged....but the wedding isn't happening until summer of 2009....so I need ideas on how to get him to notice me and want to marry me instead. I have just over a year to figure this one out! I'd prefer he notice me without a restraining order being involved, by the way.
I am a very insecure person about relationships. If I call you or text you or something, and don't hear back from you relatively soon, I don't think 'oh, person x is busy, or whatever.' My first thought is usually along the lines of 'what did I do wrong', 'are you upset with me', 'are you ignoring me for a reason', 'you no longer like me', etc., etc.
It's very hard for me to break out of that thought pattern. I don't want to be insecure about my relationships with other people. However, I don't do this with everybody. With some, if I don't hear back from them soon, I'm totally fine with it. I have some friends who this has become the norm....because of wacky work schedules, time zone differences, etc., there are times where a single conversation will stretch over days or weeks, with the exchange of text messages being very sporadic. With others, however, I love to talk to them on a regular, if not daily, basis, and when it doesn't happen, I start to worry about where I stand. I can't help it.
Confidence is something easily faked, but harder to actually come by. One thing that I have learned in life is that people always disappoint you, and they always leave you at some point. It's probably why I have such a hard time really getting close to someone. Everytime I open up and get close to someone, they end up hurting me and leaving. So, hence the insecurity at times.
In a totally unrelated side note: I must express my anger at Fox Soccer Channel. The biggest game of the season is tomorrow morning, and they are not showing the game!! It's the unofficial championship for the league title between Chelsea and Man Utd.
Related player news: Prayers go out to Frank Lampard, who's mother passed away Thursdsay and most likely will not be playing on Saturday. Also....my Joe Cole is engaged....but the wedding isn't happening until summer of 2009....so I need ideas on how to get him to notice me and want to marry me instead. I have just over a year to figure this one out! I'd prefer he notice me without a restraining order being involved, by the way.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
a vicious cycle
Wow, it's been a whole month since I've posted last. Let's see, what`s happened in the last month:
- I've been really busy at work, between Holy Week and the kick-off of the new capital appeals campaign. It's starting to slow down a bit, finally...I hope so, at least.
- Kids have been good. Clayton turned 4 in March. Scott turned 3 on April 1. (My April Fool's baby!) I think they both liked the card that played music more than the actual gift. It totally cracked me up! Shopping for Nathan and Barrett's birthdays in May will be a breeze...just hit the musical card aisle at Hallmark!
- I have decided to get a dog. I found one that I really liked, but he weighed too much (my apartment has a weight restriction - I can only have dogs that weigh 20 pounds or less). I finally found another one I liked, at Sangamon County Animal Control, but when I got him home, it wasn`t a good fit. He was way too active and hyper to be living in an apartment. He was the coolest dog, but he needed to have a home with a big backyard he could run in all day. I had to take him back. (And, you still are not going to make me feel guilty about this! You know who you are!) So, the search continues.
- I have to get a new phone. My current phone has been locking up, the screen freezes, it shuts down, etc. I've been having major problems. So, today I ordered a new one. It should be here tomorrow!
- Season 2 of the Tudors finally has begun. I`m in history (and Jonathan Rhys Meyers) heaven.
- Chelsea FC have only four games left in the season, and trail Man Utd by 5 points. But, one of the games left is against Man Utd, so there's still a chance they will win it all! GO BLUES!
- Working on camp stuff a ton. I can't believe it's only 2 months away now!!
In keeping with my last post, here are my thoughts on the 30-year-old virgin's blog. This section of one particular post really struck me: One day I'll decide: that's it, if I ever want to be in a relationship, I'm going to have to make the effort. And then I will (in what pathetic ways I can think of). Then, after a few days/weeks/months/minutes of effort, I re-re-re-realize that I'm incapable of anything approaching a normal human relationship. Then I give up and decide that I'd better get used to being alone because I am and always will be. After an equally random period of those efforts, I decide that if I ever want to be in a relationship, I'm going to have to make the effort. And the cycle repeats itself.
I love this paragraph. This cycle is totally something that I can relate to. There have been many times that I have felt the same way: I decide that if I don't want to die alone, I have to make an effort. But, every time I try to make an effort, it always ends badly. So I stop trying, and the cycle continues.
Right now, there is someone that I "like" (to use a phrase from high school). But, I am scared to show that, because I've always gotten burned in the past when I do. So, I will most likely do nothing, wait patiently for the guy to do something, nothing will happen, and life will go on just like it always does, with me ending up alone once again. It's a vicious cycle, much like the cycle of depression I fight: I can take medication for it, which makes me feel better; then after a while, I begin to think that I don't need the medication, because I am feeling so great, so I stop taking it; then I fall back into a depression, and logically I know that I need to take the medicine for it, but the depression makes me not care to the point where I don't care if I take it or not. Hence, the vicious cycle continues.
Cycles are a hard thing to break. I so want to break the relationship cycle that I am in. There are times where I really want to just do it, but fear and self-doubt always stop me. Maybe one day I'll be able to tell him..................maybe.
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